Shadow Works – The Missing Piece of Our Wellbeing Puzzle
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” —Carl Jung
What is shadow?
A shadow is a dark area that is cast by our bodies. In this case, the shadow that we are referring to is the darkness that lives inside us.
Perhaps, we are aware of this darkness and try our best to hide, push and conceal it from others. Yet, some of that darkness has been repressed so deep that we have successfully hidden it from our sight.
Unfortunately, the fact we can’t see it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect us. On the contrary, it is now living in our unconsciousness.
The interesting thing about our unconscious is that it has power over us. Some of the places we can see the shadow take hold in our lives are when we:
- Judge others harshly
- Are very critical of ourselves
- Self-sabotage
- Struggle to have a healthy relationship with others
What is shadow work?
Shadow work is about making conscious the unconscious. Shining a light on the parts of you that have struggled so hard to remain hidden and out of sight.
It is not to be taken lightly or be considered easy work for we can uncover trauma and the parts of ourselves that we think about as undesirable.
Yet, through shadow work, we empower ourselves to not only love all of ourselves but also get rid of certain patterns or habits that we don’t feel aligned with who we are or are values.
By embracing the parts of us that we have worked so hard to remain unseen, you start recognizing the shadow not as a mistake or flaw, but as parts of who you are.
In this way, we can then start asking questions and exploring why we have certain thoughts or behaviors. Creating awareness then leads to being able to manage those thoughts and behaviors much more effectively.
At the end of the day, the goal of shadow work is to create acceptance of ourselves and learn to show ourselves the same compassion that we often extend to others.
Benefits of Shadow Work
Everyone can improve their well-being by doing shadow work and there are several particular benefits I will list below:
- Clarity. There are plenty of times we feel or act a certain way and we don’t realize where it’s coming from. Shadow work will help you have a clearer perception of yourself and the world around you.
- Better relationships. This happens for a few reasons:
- Accepting your shadow makes it easier to accept everyone else’s.
- Awareness around our shadows leads to being less triggered and more grounded.
- Build self-esteem. There is no greater love than the one we can show ourselves and accept all we are without hiding parts of ourselves.
- Authenticity. By bringing forth all of who you are, you will feel more like your authentic self.
- Boosts creativity. Self-acceptance leads to improved general well-being that in part leads to tapping more into our creative side.
Shadow Work Prompts
Shadow work can be done with the help of a professional such as a therapist, or coach. Yet, it can also be carried out on your own.
It is similar to the Socratic Method in the sense we ask ourselves questions or prompts. We are exploring our unconscious and bringing it into consciousness.
We examine our thoughts, feelings, assumptions, and beliefs by holding a mirror to ourselves and asking questions.
Often our shadow projects onto others, as it is easier to criticize others than work on ourselves. Here are some prompts to explore:
- Reflect on someone who triggers you
- What specifically about this person do I dislike?
- Do I behave in this way at times?
- Why is it difficult to be around this person?
- What parts of me come out when I am near this person?
Some other questions that you can reflect on to continue your shadow work journey are:
- How do you believe people see you? How would they describe you to someone else? How does that make you feel?
- What makes you feel unsafe?
- What makes you feel the most valued?
- How do you define failure? How does failing make you feel?
- Are there negative emotions you try to avoid? Which ones, and why?
It is not easy work, but it is definitely very rewarding work that will lead you on an amazing path of getting to know yourself better and improving your relationship with yourself and those around you.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
How To Turn Your AWAKENING From Zero To Hero?
Do you find yourself concerned with the future: to-do lists and worries?
How about being stuck in the past: regrets and mistakes you wish you could change? If we spend most of our time on the future or past, we completely miss the present.
Someone we care about approaches us to talk about something important to them; could be their day or a challenge they're going through. We had a busy tiring day and either listen half-heartedly without really paying the attention they deserve, or tell them we are tired and we'll listen later but never get to it.
This could be an esteemed coworker, a dear friend, or even a member of our beloved family. We say our family is important to us, but how is that reflected in our daily lives?
How we talk to ourselves, how we speak to others, how we take care of our body and the beliefs we hold are part of our programming.
They are made up of past experiences, and pieces of information we’ve learned. They have been on repeat for a long time, to the point where they become automated responses, with little to no thought behind them. We spend roughly around 40% of our lives on autopilot.
Though from a biological standpoint we are saving energy by automating this process, the downside is we get caught in beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve any purpose for us and we are holding on to them out of sheer habit.
For example, a coworker approaches us for some feedback on a project. Generally, we tend to be very defensive about feedback, because we believe our work is an extension of us. If our automated response is to cross our arms, listen but not hear and refuse constructive criticism we lose the opportunity to improve our work.
On a more personal note, if our spouse is scolding us about forgetting to buy milk yet when our automated response is getting upset and spouting a list of all the hard work we do ends with both of you feeling resentful, unheard, and unappreciated then we lose the opportunity to connect with our spouse.
There comes a time in our life when we need to pay attention to what beliefs and behaviors are set on autopilot and revise if these automated responses are bringing us closer or further away from the life we want to lead.
An awakening - a process to turn ignorance to awareness
The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.
The first step to transforming our lives is to start paying attention to the beliefs we have that don't serve us. Then, it’s time for decluttering our minds. We need to clear out what is not working in our lives, to make room for supporting beliefs and actions that lead us closer to who we want to be.
Small and big actions that support who we want to be will build confidence and support our authentic selves to come forward.
In short, awakening our consciousness to bring ourselves to the present is the biggest gift we can give ourselves and to those around us and this is the way we can turn our awakening from zero to hero.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
The Importance of Knowing Our Strengths
Know our Strengths
How well do you know yourself?
Perhaps you know you like coffee better than tea and prefer Thai food over Mexican. These are all useful bits of information. However, do you know what you stand for and believe in? When it comes to your character what are your strengths and weaknesses? This knowledge is power. The power to know who we are.
We tend to use our profession, marital status, age, and ethnicity among others to define ourselves. We are quick to say I’m a lawyer, I’m a mom, or I’m a millennial. Yet, all of these things speak about what we are not necessarily who we are.
An important part of practicing self-awareness is to get to know ourselves better. How does it add value to my life to know who I am?
The Importance of Knowing Our Strengths
Wouldn’t it be great if we all came with an instruction manual telling us exactly who we are and how we work? The next best thing is using our awareness to tune into ourselves and listen. By learning what are our strengths we can:
- Increase our confidence. Knowing what we are good at can help us increase our self-esteem. We can appreciate the traits that make us unique.
- Boost productivity. We are quick to focus on flaws or mistakes, but focusing on strengths can be a great motivator to get tasks done.
- Figure out best strategies. Understanding what we do the best can helps us use this advantage in relation to how we carry ourselves in the world and how we relate to others at work and at home.
Weaknesses: The Other Side of the Coin
We also need to learn which areas we need to improve on. By learning our weaknesses we can pay attention to when they come into play and plan accordingly so that situations don’t get the best of us.
When we know our weaknesses but also our strengths this allows us to use the latter to help us correct problems we struggle with. For example, one of my strengths is my love of learning. One of my weaknesses is my forgetfulness. I used my love of learning to learn techniques and systems I could use to avoid being so forgetful.
The better acquainted we are with both, the better we can plan to make the best out of every situation.
How to Find Our Strengths and Weaknesses
Practicing self-awareness can help us identify these in our everyday life, we just need to pay attention. When considering your strengths think about the following questions:
- When do I feel at my best?
- What actions do I perform effortlessly?
- What do people around me call on me for?
- What makes me feel like time flies?
Something else you can try is asking for the help of colleagues, friends, and family members to see yourself through the eyes of others. To enlist their help simply ask them to share what they think are your strengths and/or when they feel you really shine and are at your best. Perhaps, you’ll hear something that might surprise you. It’s always great feedback to listen to.
While it’s not so appealing to know our weaknesses, remember knowing them will put us at an advantage to deal with them better and you can ask yourself the following questions:
- When do I feel very frustrated?
- What actions are very challenging?
- Which traits do you have that you struggle to accept?
Knowing our strengths and weaknesses is a valuable lesson that can help us grow and strive closer to the best version of ourselves for us and the people around us.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach