Turning Complaints into Request
How often does it happen that you want to communicate a need, and emotions like frustration, anger, and disappointment take over? Leaving you complaining to express that need. It could be at work, with your partner, or with your children.
Our brain seems to be hardwired to communicate our needs through complaints, for example:
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- Why haven’t you turned in that report yet?
- You’re always on your phone and you never pay attention to me.
- How many times do I have to tell you to do the dishes?
- This is room is a mess. Tidy it up now!
If we take the phone example, the need is for connection. If we were to express the same need in a different way, for example, I would love to spend some time with you. Could we have dinner without looking at our phones? This is a request. We are expressing the same need, yet the outcome for this scenario will be much different.
The recipient doesn’t feel attacked. On the other hand, they might even find it endearing. Their presence is missed, and they feel love.
Language matters. When I say language I include body language, as well as tone and your choice of words. We often overlook how very important it is to be more selective with how we choose to communicate something that will actually get us to the outcome we are looking for.
Why do we complain?
Complaints are made because we wish for something that is not being met. There is an underlying disappointment and a growing frustration that what we want is being neglected. The problem is a complaint not only doesn’t solve the problem, it usually makes it worse.
Complaining as a pattern undermines teams, and in a relationship hurts the bond. We tend to use language like always, never, nothing, and everything. These exaggerated words have a negative impact.
We fuse the person and problem and directly attack them both. The recipient of the complaint tends to defend and the argument escalates and leaves both parties feeling unsatisfied.
Complaints keep you focused on the past and not building or exploring possibilities for the future.
The antidote to complaints
To get your needs met, and get more collaboration from others we can turn complaints into requests with a positive need and reasoning behind them.
Let’s break this formula down. First, we have the request. To create a request we need a soft start-up:
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- Could you…?
- Would you…?
- Is it possible…?
Then we add the positive need and the reasoning. In this portion, it’s important to not focus on the past but to be forward facing. The reasoning is important because it clarifies to the recipient why we want this need met.
This will make our request even more effective and create motivation in our recipients to fulfill our needs. For example, if I ask you “Please open the window”, it is not as powerful as asking, “Can you please open the window, because it feels quite stuffy and I would love some fresh air?”
Now, to review making a complaint into a request. Let’s start with a complaint first.
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- There’s never any paper for the printer.
We have a problem: a lack of paper being ordered to print. The need is for someone to order paper. This complaint points fingers, makes people feel bad and gets you nowhere.
Let’s turn into a request:
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- Would you please order paper for the printer so we don’t run out?
It was polite, it expressed a positive need and reasoning. The problem is solved and no one is blamed.
The Power of Requests
At work and in your home this can be a big game changer for your relationships. It is very difficult to break out of old habits and patterns, yet the rewards to reap are amazing.
When we turn complaints into actionable requests we empower those around us to meet our needs with positive language and attitude.
The next time you feel like making a complaint we encourage you to pause, reflect and find the best way to turn it into a request.
When our requests are met both parties leave the interaction with a better feeling, and feeling good is what rewires our brain to repeat an action again.
Could you try to make a request next time you feel like complaining so that you can see a positive impact on your relationships?
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback
Managers dread giving it. Employees cringe at receiving it.
The word feedback has a terrible reputation.
Yet, it is undoubtedly one of our most important tools to achieve growth, deepen our connections and improve performance.
How do we master this art?
The mere mention of someone saying, "Come to my office I have some feedback to give you" can make us stop in our tracks and conjure frightening ideas of all we've done wrong.
It's hard to say which is more difficult to give or receive feedback.
In the first instance, we are tasked with telling a person their weak points which aren't the most pleasant of tasks.
In a recent survey done by Harvard Business Review, they found that 44% of managers believed that giving developmental feedback was stressful or difficult.
On the other hand, receiving feedback involves listening to what you did wrong, which no one wants to listen to.
It’s hard to hear criticism, even if it is positive.
The first step to getting us on the right track is to determine what we shouldn’t do.
What makes feedback “bad”?
Where did Feedback go Wrong?
Well, in reality, feedback didn’t do anything wrong per se.
It is us, the human race, who have used it in a less than ideal way.
What has caused us to associate this word with negative connotations?
- Lack of engagement from the giver. This could stem from feeling uncomfortable, insufficient skills, or fear of the employee's reaction among others.
- Lack of reception from the receiver. Often, when the feedback is taken personally, it creates reactions like shutting down and/or getting defensive, which tends to harm relationships instead of enhancing them.
- Lack of clarity in communication. When either party isn’t clear in the message they want to convey it tends to result in a negative interaction. Where one or both parties leave feeling misunderstood or unheard.
Why is Feedback Key?
It is clear so far that it’s no easy task to deal with feedback.
So, why go through all this trouble?
Something amazing can happen when two people sit together and seek to listen and understand each other.
Caring, trust, and vulnerability create fertile soil to plant the seeds of real connection.
You create a culture where leaders look after their employees and that in return increases engagement, develops performance, and fosters a positive atmosphere.
Feedback when done right has the power to motivate and result in personal and professional growth. So, how do we do it right?
Mastering the Art
If we break down the components of feedback we can find three elements: the giver, the message and the receiver.
The Giver
Open-mindedness, empathy, and teamwork must be present at the time we offer feedback.
To make sure, as a leader, you are prepared to give feedback ask yourself these questions beforehand:
- Can I separate the person from the problem?
- Do I want to listen to their perspective?
- Am I willing to provide support to overcome the problem and tackle it as a team?
Another element to keep in mind is the timing.
We want to try our best so that both you and the receiver are in a good place mentally to have this conversation.
Once you know as the giver you’re ready, you can check in by saying: “Can I offer you some feedback?”
It provides the receiver with the courtesy of asking, starting with a positive tone.
The Receiver
We know that we all have room for improvement, yet we are reluctant to hear how we can improve.
We can turn this around by acknowledging that by receiving feedback we are learning important information about ourselves or our work that can lead to the growth that we seek.
This change in mindset can make all the difference.
Be grateful to listen to the guidance on what you can do better and ask questions to clarify what steps you can take to correct and improve.
The Message
Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. - Brené Brown, Dare to Lead.
Beating around the bush, walking on eggshells, and another number of metaphors dealing with lack of clarity when we talk to protect either ourselves or others end up hurting more than they help.
The greatest disservice we can do is not speak clearly.
For both the receiver and giver to be understood better check the following when communicating your message:
| IS THE MESSAGE… | UNCLEAR | CLEAR |
| SPECIFIC | All your reports are very confusing. | Your last report wasn’t as clear as we needed it to be. |
| DESCRIPTIVE | Make the report clearer. | What do you think about adding data to back up your information, and using bullet points to ease reading. |
Positive Feedback Culture
Last but not least, they say that no feedback is positive feedback. This is not the culture you want to promote.
If we never hear positive feedback, and only get called out for negative feedback this can create resentment in the employees.
Whereas, if you regularly practice giving positive feedback, a baseline of confidence and appreciation is created which allows employees to thrive and when they receive negative feedback it allows them to receive it much more gracefully since they know there are many things they do well.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach