Passing the Torch: Navigating the Challenges of Family Business Succession
Second and third-generation family businesses are the backbone of the Asian economy. They make up about 60% of all businesses in the region. The founder’s dreams are that his hard work can be passed on and carried on to the next generation to bring more success and prosperity to the family.
However, there are many difficulties and challenges to face in order to carry out a successful transition in leadership. This process requires careful planning and execution to pass on the business to the next generation.
Challenges of Family Business Succession
As the founder or current owner approaches retirement, there are several challenges to be faced during a family business succession:
- Lack of preparation. This is one of the major shortcomings of a lot of successions. When there is not an adequate amount of preparation and there are assumptions and expectations from either party, this process can go wrong quickly as there is a lot of conflict and confusion.
- Generational differences. Family succession entails passing on the business from one generation to the next. This creates difficulties due to the clashes in values, goals, and expectations for the roles and the business. A significant part of the challenge is the older generation giving way and value to the new ideas from the younger generations.
- Family dynamics. Businesses, in general, are challenging to run. Family businesses have an extra layer of difficulty to them because they carry with them the dynamics of the relationships of the parties involved. These complex systems of relationships and rivalries can complicate the process.
- Cultural factors. A lot of the younger generations are being educated abroad, and with that comes cultural influences from the West, which can be a positive impact, but at the same time can create a lack of respect for the elders, which creates resentment and conflict.
Overcoming the Challenges
Despite the many challenges to be faced during this process, hope is not lost. Many steps can be taken to create a successful passing of the torch, which include:
- Start planning early. The succession process can start from an early age by involving the upcoming generation in the business as much as possible by bringing them to work, asking them to use critical thinking with problems that arise, and sharing success stories from the company. The more we share and involve them with the business, the more they will care about it.
- Be flexible. It really helps the process to keep an open mind, as well as open communication. There needs to be a willingness to adapt when things go differently than expected.
- Get professional help. Family succession, as we mentioned before, is a tricky business, and there is no expectation of having to do it alone. We get coaches to help us train our bodies. Why wouldn’t we get help to help us train ourselves and a new generation to prepare for such an important event?
Family business succession is a complex process that can be filled with challenges, yet by planning early and getting professional help you can increase your chances of a successful transition.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Boost Your Well-being and Success at Work: The Science Behind Mindful Breaks
In Hong Kong’s fast-paced working environment, getting caught up in tasks, projects, and meetings is incredibly easy. So we completely forget about taking breaks or even lunch.
However, we don’t realize that by not creating pauses for ourselves to regroup, we actually end up hurting the quality of our work and, more importantly, ourselves.
When we take mindful breaks throughout the day, we can:
-
- Reduce stress. When our bodies are stressed, they produce cortisol which negatively impacts our physical and mental health.
- Improve focus. Clearing our minds can help us return to the present with new eyes and better concentration.
- Boost creativity. Combining relaxation and focus can improve creativity, leading to coming up with new ideas and solutions.
Why do we need mindful breaks?
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgment. In theory, it doesn’t sound too complicated, but in reality, it takes quite a lot of practice to resist judgment.
For example, we manage to grab a salad and try our best to gobble it to get back to work as fast as possible. As we sit there, some of the thoughts that come to our mind could be:
-
- Why did I leave everything for the last minute? Now I have to rush through everything.
- The task I completed was not excellent; I really could have done better.
- Why didn’t I say ______ or _______ to that colleague? It would have been so much simpler to finish this.
- I hate I have to eat so fast.
These are just a few thoughts we can name, and as you notice, they all navigate in judgment of either something we did wrong or it could be something someone else did we deem as wrong.
We produce up to 50,000 thoughts daily, and 70% to 80% are negative. This translates into 40,000 negative thoughts a day that need managing and filtering.
What is a mindful break?
Practicing mindfulness, we focus on our breath and our surroundings without letting our minds wander to the past or future. This can help us relax our bodies and minds and return to the present moment with a fresh perspective.
By taking mindful breaks, we can improve our overall health and well-being to become more productive and successful at work.
A mindful break can look many different ways. Some of the activities we suggest are: walking in nature, listening to calming music, reading a book, and meditating.
Positive Psychology and Mindful Breaks
Positive psychology studies what makes people happy and successful. It focuses on the positive aspects of the human experience, such as strengths, virtues, and resilience.
By pairing up positive psychology and mindfulness, we can make the impact of our breaks even more meaningful by creating spaces in our lives where we take care of ourselves, and by doing that, we can better take care of others.
Some examples of incorporating positive psychology into our lives can be:
-
- Focusing on our strengths. We notice our shortcomings and weaknesses more than our strengths. Yet, by doing so, we can find better outcomes and solutions to our problems and build our confidence.
- Practicing gratitude. There are countless studies about the positive impacts of being grateful. The bottom line is that taking even a short moment to appreciate what you have can go a long way for mental and physical health.
- Helping others. Practicing service is a great way to boost our happiness. When we help others, we feel good about ourselves and can positively impact the world.
We can build a more positive and productive work environment by taking mindful breaks and practicing positive psychology. Take a mindful break now.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Achieving Work-Life Balance: A Guide for Leaders to Prevent Burnout and Excel in Business
Hong Kong has a predominantly workaholic culture where we praise and glorify being busy, staying at work well after regular work hours, and working on the weekends.
With all this work and little rest or play, how can we expect to lead our teams effectively when we fail to take care of our physical and mental health?
How burnout impacts our work performance?
Not enough sleep, exercise, or nutrition can severely damage our mental faculties. To expect our bodies and brains to make crucial decisions, lead with confidence, and connect with our teams when we are low or out of energy is a big ask.
We end up running on fumes, which leads to reacting rather than responding and being short on patience, among other things.
What is self care?
Self-care is caring for one’s physical, mental, and emotional health. It can involve getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, and spending time with loved ones.
Self-care is essential for everyone, but it is crucial for leaders. Leaders are often under a lot of stress and must ensure they are taking care of themselves to be effective.
Let’s roll out two different scenarios to explain this idea better.
A life without self care
Imagine you went home late the night before, only had a quick bite of fast food for dinner because it was the most convenient fix, and managed to sleep about 4 hours.
You wake up tired and late. You rush back to work for an important meeting with the team. You’re in a bad mood due to a lack of sleep and lack of nutritious food, and healthy movement. Your neck and back are sore from sitting on the desk all day.
Someone made a mistake, and you feel the blood rushing. You react by shouting and being visibly angry. You regret reacting this way. The team grows resentful and scared.
A life with self care
In our second scenario, you leave work at 6. Hit the gym for your favorite class, then grab dinner with friends or family. You chose something delicious and full of nutrients. You eat the food slowly, enjoying the taste and the company.
You take time to unwind with a nice warm shower, a tea while you read a book and head to bed at a reasonable hour. The following day you wake up refreshed.
You prepare a quick breakfast: some eggs and toast with a piece of fruit. You do some light stretches, drink some water, do a gratitude practice and remember all the things that you are thankful for. You go to work and listen to your favorite playlist or podcast.
You arrive to work for your team meeting. You’re in a good mood, you have been taking care of yourself. Someone made a mistake. You step up and ask them questions about how it happened. With the team you find ways you can fix the error and avoid it in the future.
The team is happy they feel like they are supported and their respect for you grows. You’re proud of how you handled that situation.
Benefits of Self Care for Leaders
There is a perception that self care is about massages and spas, which could definitely be included in the list but are just two of many options you can practice to take care of yourself.
There is also the myth that self care is for women or housewives, when in reality everyone is in need for self care. It’s about finding what practices work for you and how you can make time for including these in your routine.
There are many benefits to self-care for leaders. Self-care can help leaders to:
- Reduce stress
- Improve their mood
- Increase their energy levels
- Improve their focus and concentration
- Make better decisions
- Be more productive
- Build resilience
- Practicing Self Care
If you don’t know where to start, here we list many ways to practice self-care. Some everyday self-care activities include:
-
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating healthy foods
- Exercising regularly
- Spending time with loved ones
- Relaxation techniques (e.g., yoga, meditation, massage)
- Spending time in nature
- Reading
- Listening to music
- Taking a vacation
Tips for making self-care a priority
We know that taking care of ourselves is important, but the real challenge arises when we need to put it into practice. Here are some tips about how to make self care a priority:
-
- Schedule time for self-care in your day.
- Make self-care a non-negotiable.
- Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
- Find a support system of people who encourage you to take care of yourself.
- Be patient with yourself. It takes time to develop healthy self-care habits.
Self-care is essential for leaders because it helps them to be more effective. When leaders care for themselves, they can better handle stress, make good decisions, and be productive. Self-care is also vital for setting an excellent example for others. Leaders who model healthy self-care habits encourage their employees to do the same.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Extended reading:
Bridging the Cultural Gap: Managing Asian Teams as a Western-Style Leader
We live in a world where globalization is the name of the game. Over time, we find our companies more connected and interdependent on a global scale.
One of the most significant impacts of globalization on a human resource scale is a workplace with diverse cultural backgrounds.
We find an increase in Western leaders managing Asian teams. This situation can create particular challenges because of the different workplace cultures.
We will discuss how we can ease this situation and what actions can be taken to impact the team positively.
Bridging the Cultural Gap
As a Western leader or manager, it is crucial to take the time to understand the cultural differences when working with an Asian team. To be able to build rapport and eventually implement changes, we want to understand the differences in the:
-
- Values. A strong emphasis on keeping face permeates and fuels a lot of the culture. Also, hard work is regarded as imperative, or at least the appearance of hard work.
- Communication. In Asian cultures, indirect forms of communication tend to prevail in the workplace with close attention to politeness.
- Authority. There is a powerful hierarchy in place regarding workplace relationships.
When we take the time to understand and care about where our team is coming from, it is much easier to create an atmosphere of trust. For people to feel valued, they want to feel seen and heard.
How to Create Positive Change
The tried and tested way to create the change you want to see in your team is to set a positive example and demonstrate the actions you would like your team to practice.
For example, if you would like your team to develop a healthy work-life balance and you ask them to go home promptly when the day’s work is finished. As a leader, you are responsible for setting an example by going home yourself so that you can be a good role model, and they can observe you doing what you preach. After all, actions speak louder than words.
In Asian culture, you’ll find that it’s unacceptable to go home at the end of the day if your leader or manager is still in the office. This happens even if the employee has finished all of these tasks for the day. They are following their manager’s lead.
Unfortunately, this creates unhealthy work habits that lead to resentment, a decrease in satisfaction, and a toxic environment in the workplace.
Some Western practices that can create a positive change in your team are:
-
- Flexibility around Time. This can take the shape of being able to leave earlier on Friday afternoon if your tasks have been completed. Creating a safe space for employees to feel comfortable asking for a break when feeling overwhelmed. Mental health days are becoming more common practice in the west.
- Space to Connect. People want to feel like human beings rather than robots. Often inhuman expectations are placed around the workplace for people to work 24/7 non-stop. In contrast, giving them areas to hang out and connect can bring happiness and satisfaction, eventually leading to more productive employees.
- Provide Positive Feedback. Feedback has a terrible reputation because it tends to be reserved for negative situations. You often hear that the absence of feedback is positive feedback, and it should not be different. Providing members of your team with positive feedback would increase motivation, boosts confidence, and shows people you value them.
I mentioned earlier how making people feel seen and heard is of utmost importance. These practices that create positive change are about making them feel seen and heard.
By allowing flexibility around their work schedule, you are showing understanding that they have an essential life outside the workplace that you also value and is an integral part of who they are.
Creating spaces for connection opens opportunities for your employees to enjoy their time at work and forge bonds beyond work. You acknowledge the human need to belong and be part of something you care about.
Finally, and most importantly, you pinpoint what people are doing right by providing positive feedback. This underused tool can help employees know their strengths and boost morale.
At the same time, you are removing the stigma around feedback, and when constructive criticism is necessary, it will be much better received because the employee knows they are held in high regard.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Transition Coaching helps leaders to make changes in his team with cultural gaps smoothly and successfully, see HERE
Why We Should Aim for Consistency, Not Perfection, in All Areas of Life?
Society has led us to believe that to achieve consistency, the key is never to miss. That means never missing a workout, eating “unhealthy foods, or missing a deadline. No matter what you are doing, you must be perfect if you want to be consistent.
Consistency doesn’t equal perfection
This “ never miss” mentality is not the secret to consistency. It is the secret to failure. Never is an all-encompassing word that shows little compassion, understanding, or room for growth.
Yet, it is how we learn to operate. We start a new workout routine, are committed, show up without missing for weeks, and then something happens. Perhaps you are too tired from work or going through something difficult in your personal life or even an injury. You skip a workout.
Failure looms above your head. I missed everything I worked for is gone because it wasn’t perfect.
The Secret to Consistency
Here is where the real secret to consistency comes in. It’s not about never missing; it’s about not missing twice. That’s sustainable. That’s giving yourself room to breathe and be human. We don’t miss twice because we create a pattern.
My experience with consistency
I’ll use myself as an example. In 2023, I set myself a goal to run every week at least once. I started with a realistic plan I knew I could accomplish even when my motivation was nowhere to be found.
I was doing great, getting in two or even three weekly runs. I could feel myself getting faster and being able to cover longer distances. I was so happy with my progress.
Then, one week after, I ran 10 kilometers, my longest distance this year. I was swamped with work, and I didn’t run.
I’m not going to lie. According to society’s definition of consistency, I failed. Then, I took a moment and remembered my definition. As soon as I realized I had missed once, I panicked and felt like a failure.
The following week every single day went by, I thought about running, but I felt heavy and slow. I didn’t want to. It had been so long since my last run. Before I knew it was Sunday, this was my last chance. I had only missed once; I had an opportunity, a choice: to make this a pattern or not.
I took stock of the resources available to me to make running more manageable for me:
- Enlist help and support from people close to me
- Pick a good running location
- Select a playlist that I would find motivating
I put on my running shoes, and I went out. I put one foot in front of the other. Yes, I felt heavy and slow at first. But, soon after, I felt exhilarated and full of energy. The support, the music, and the beautiful day filled me with energy. I didn’t create a pattern; I chose to run. That thought pushed me all the way.
How to apply in everyday life
Remember that feelings and thoughts are not facts. We often believe what our inner voice tells us without questioning it, and unfortunately, that inner voice can be pretty critical.
My inner voice was telling me that I was a failure for missing. I wasn’t a failure, far from it. Yet I could catch it and realize that it wasn’t correct.
When these feelings and thoughts pop up, create awareness around them and find evidence that proves them wrong. This will develop more compassion for yourself and allow you to continue to grow and foster more positive thoughts and feelings about yourself.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Turning Complaints into Request
How often does it happen that you want to communicate a need, and emotions like frustration, anger, and disappointment take over? Leaving you complaining to express that need. It could be at work, with your partner, or with your children.
Our brain seems to be hardwired to communicate our needs through complaints, for example:
-
- Why haven’t you turned in that report yet?
- You’re always on your phone and you never pay attention to me.
- How many times do I have to tell you to do the dishes?
- This is room is a mess. Tidy it up now!
If we take the phone example, the need is for connection. If we were to express the same need in a different way, for example, I would love to spend some time with you. Could we have dinner without looking at our phones? This is a request. We are expressing the same need, yet the outcome for this scenario will be much different.
The recipient doesn’t feel attacked. On the other hand, they might even find it endearing. Their presence is missed, and they feel love.
Language matters. When I say language I include body language, as well as tone and your choice of words. We often overlook how very important it is to be more selective with how we choose to communicate something that will actually get us to the outcome we are looking for.
Why do we complain?
Complaints are made because we wish for something that is not being met. There is an underlying disappointment and a growing frustration that what we want is being neglected. The problem is a complaint not only doesn’t solve the problem, it usually makes it worse.
Complaining as a pattern undermines teams, and in a relationship hurts the bond. We tend to use language like always, never, nothing, and everything. These exaggerated words have a negative impact.
We fuse the person and problem and directly attack them both. The recipient of the complaint tends to defend and the argument escalates and leaves both parties feeling unsatisfied.
Complaints keep you focused on the past and not building or exploring possibilities for the future.
The antidote to complaints
To get your needs met, and get more collaboration from others we can turn complaints into requests with a positive need and reasoning behind them.
Let’s break this formula down. First, we have the request. To create a request we need a soft start-up:
-
- Could you…?
- Would you…?
- Is it possible…?
Then we add the positive need and the reasoning. In this portion, it’s important to not focus on the past but to be forward facing. The reasoning is important because it clarifies to the recipient why we want this need met.
This will make our request even more effective and create motivation in our recipients to fulfill our needs. For example, if I ask you “Please open the window”, it is not as powerful as asking, “Can you please open the window, because it feels quite stuffy and I would love some fresh air?”
Now, to review making a complaint into a request. Let’s start with a complaint first.
-
- There’s never any paper for the printer.
We have a problem: a lack of paper being ordered to print. The need is for someone to order paper. This complaint points fingers, makes people feel bad and gets you nowhere.
Let’s turn into a request:
-
- Would you please order paper for the printer so we don’t run out?
It was polite, it expressed a positive need and reasoning. The problem is solved and no one is blamed.
The Power of Requests
At work and in your home this can be a big game changer for your relationships. It is very difficult to break out of old habits and patterns, yet the rewards to reap are amazing.
When we turn complaints into actionable requests we empower those around us to meet our needs with positive language and attitude.
The next time you feel like making a complaint we encourage you to pause, reflect and find the best way to turn it into a request.
When our requests are met both parties leave the interaction with a better feeling, and feeling good is what rewires our brain to repeat an action again.
Could you try to make a request next time you feel like complaining so that you can see a positive impact on your relationships?
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Shadow Works – The Missing Piece of Our Wellbeing Puzzle
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” —Carl Jung
What is shadow?
A shadow is a dark area that is cast by our bodies. In this case, the shadow that we are referring to is the darkness that lives inside us.
Perhaps, we are aware of this darkness and try our best to hide, push and conceal it from others. Yet, some of that darkness has been repressed so deep that we have successfully hidden it from our sight.
Unfortunately, the fact we can’t see it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect us. On the contrary, it is now living in our unconsciousness.
The interesting thing about our unconscious is that it has power over us. Some of the places we can see the shadow take hold in our lives are when we:
- Judge others harshly
- Are very critical of ourselves
- Self-sabotage
- Struggle to have a healthy relationship with others
What is shadow work?
Shadow work is about making conscious the unconscious. Shining a light on the parts of you that have struggled so hard to remain hidden and out of sight.
It is not to be taken lightly or be considered easy work for we can uncover trauma and the parts of ourselves that we think about as undesirable.
Yet, through shadow work, we empower ourselves to not only love all of ourselves but also get rid of certain patterns or habits that we don’t feel aligned with who we are or are values.
By embracing the parts of us that we have worked so hard to remain unseen, you start recognizing the shadow not as a mistake or flaw, but as parts of who you are.
In this way, we can then start asking questions and exploring why we have certain thoughts or behaviors. Creating awareness then leads to being able to manage those thoughts and behaviors much more effectively.
At the end of the day, the goal of shadow work is to create acceptance of ourselves and learn to show ourselves the same compassion that we often extend to others.
Benefits of Shadow Work
Everyone can improve their well-being by doing shadow work and there are several particular benefits I will list below:
- Clarity. There are plenty of times we feel or act a certain way and we don’t realize where it’s coming from. Shadow work will help you have a clearer perception of yourself and the world around you.
- Better relationships. This happens for a few reasons:
- Accepting your shadow makes it easier to accept everyone else’s.
- Awareness around our shadows leads to being less triggered and more grounded.
- Build self-esteem. There is no greater love than the one we can show ourselves and accept all we are without hiding parts of ourselves.
- Authenticity. By bringing forth all of who you are, you will feel more like your authentic self.
- Boosts creativity. Self-acceptance leads to improved general well-being that in part leads to tapping more into our creative side.
Shadow Work Prompts
Shadow work can be done with the help of a professional such as a therapist, or coach. Yet, it can also be carried out on your own.
It is similar to the Socratic Method in the sense we ask ourselves questions or prompts. We are exploring our unconscious and bringing it into consciousness.
We examine our thoughts, feelings, assumptions, and beliefs by holding a mirror to ourselves and asking questions.
Often our shadow projects onto others, as it is easier to criticize others than work on ourselves. Here are some prompts to explore:
- Reflect on someone who triggers you
- What specifically about this person do I dislike?
- Do I behave in this way at times?
- Why is it difficult to be around this person?
- What parts of me come out when I am near this person?
Some other questions that you can reflect on to continue your shadow work journey are:
- How do you believe people see you? How would they describe you to someone else? How does that make you feel?
- What makes you feel unsafe?
- What makes you feel the most valued?
- How do you define failure? How does failing make you feel?
- Are there negative emotions you try to avoid? Which ones, and why?
It is not easy work, but it is definitely very rewarding work that will lead you on an amazing path of getting to know yourself better and improving your relationship with yourself and those around you.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
The Importance of Preparing the Next Generation for the Family Business
Imagine a father and son sitting at opposite sides of a desk. On the one hand, the father has seen his business and boy grow in front of his eyes. He is proud of them both. Yet, how do you transition from being father and son to colleagues? He has taught right from wrong, said no, and led the way. How can he look at this boy as a man? As an equal?
Then, we have the son, trying to fill in his father’s shoes. There are many things to learn, like how respect must be earned and how the father's success has many lessons to be discovered. At the same time, he is eager to bring new ideas and his company vision. He wants to make changes and adjust to the future.
There are many challenges in passing a family business to the next generation. About 40% of family-owned companies transition into second-generation businesses, and approximately 13% are passed down successfully to a third generation. In comparison, 3% survive to a fourth or beyond.
What is causing this increasingly small number of successful family transitions? Many factors in play could hurt the chances of being able to pass on the business to the next generation. We’ll explore some of the main obstacles that get in the way.
Communication
Let’s tackle the most significant and most challenging of obstacles first. Research has taught us that it is the key to be able to have a successful transition of the family business. What are some communication problems that we can encounter?
- Lack of clarity. This can be seen as expectations of children taking over without clear communication of those expectations. When you assume, you fail to plan and prepare. This can lead to many more problems down the line.
- Lack of transparency. Many departments and components come into play for a business to run successfully. Children are not often exposed to the inner workings of the company. When their time comes, they feel out of place and out of touch with the business.
- Lack of direction. Not having a clear vision of what the company’s purpose can impact the transition. If they don’t know where they are going or why they are going there, it is easy to lose the way.
To counteract these communication problems, we need to be clear, transparent, and direct. These skills can be learned, and an executive coach can help as a third party to help ease communication problems
Planning
There are two crucial things needed to plan for a successful family business transition. Let’s call the first: early transition planning. This involves all the strategies we can put in place before the real transition starts to take place to increase the involvement of the succeeding generation in integrating into the business. For example, internships programs, bring your children to work events, family and business bonding activities, etc.
The second is the real transition plan. We cannot just expect the new generation to come in and hit the ground running. Shadowing programs, visiting the different departments, building rapport, and learning how to be open-minded and respect each other in a work setting are essential elements to consider.
Generation Gaps and Family Dynamics
The last element we will discuss is how generation gaps play a role in the family transition. The opening of this article was about a relationship between father and son and how they see each other.
The older generations often feel like their wisdom goes unheard, and the same goes for the new generation. The truth is that both generations hold their own kind of wisdom and deserve to be heard. There can be so much power to move forward in learning to respect, listen and consider each other. Instead of allowing dysfunctional patterns to emerge where either party feels unseen or unheard.
One of the crucial lessons to learn here is to successfully transition from one generation to the next: we must begin with transparent conversations from an early age. At a place as casual as the dinner table, we can include and expose our children to what goes on with the business and how it's vital to the family. We observe that family and company values are connected in many successful businesses.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
************************************
Transition coaching helps leaders to dive underneath and see what are the critical areas of the concerns of a family business. See more about Transition coaching HERE.
5 Small Habits to be Happy NOW
With the New Year just around the corner we are often focusing on one of two things:
- What we want to accomplish next year a.k.a. New Year’s Resolutions
- Where we failed, fell short, or didn’t accomplish in the past year
We live in a society that is driven by goals and outcomes. So our brains spends a lot of time working out how to get our goals met because we think this is when we can feel happiness.
We attach the concept of happiness to a reached goal. We lose sight of all the beautiful things that happen on the journey.
When we take up our mental space on future and past that means that we miss out on everything that is happening right now. We fail to be present.
Being present allows us to switch from autopilot mode and pay attention to what is happening around us right now. Notice our behavior and habits that make up who we are.
James Clear, the bestselling author of Atomic Habits, highlights how instead of needing better goals what we need are better systems. By systems, I mean the collection of small habits you have in place in your day-to-day life.
Let’s look at some small habits you can add to your routine that can bring you happiness right now:
- Practice Gratitude. Write down 3 things that you feel thankful for. It could be big things like the fact your family is healthy or small things like a delicious cup of coffee. Choose a time in the day that nicely fits your schedule. The beginning of the day or before bed is a very beneficial time to do it. It will help us count our blessings and realize we have many reasons to be happy right now.
- Breathe Deeply. When you feel overwhelmed by emotions such as anxiety, stress, or sadness. Take a moment and take a deep breath. Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 7 and breathe out for 8. A slower and longer exhale can help calm down our bodies and give us time to respond rather than react. Allowing us to manage our emotions better and avoid doing this we might regret.
- Schedule Down Time. Make sure to block time out in your schedule for some ME time. The same way you schedule meetings and gatherings. Set out a time to do the things you love and keep your word to yourself and do it. When you take care of yourself first, you can then take better care of others and show up as your best self. It is also a great way to show appreciation for yourself. You deserve good things.
- Know Your Values. Set out time to find what are your values. Having awareness around what we believe in can help us because it guides us like an ethical GPS so our behavior is aligned with what we believe in. In her podcast, Unlocking Us, Brene Brown teaches us how to live into our values, here is a link to get started https://brenebrown.com/resources/living-into-our-values/.
- Connect with Others. Ask someone how they really are, reconnect with an old friend, schedule a video call with a loved one, or set a lunch date with a friend. In the interaction, be present. Don’t look at your phone. Ask open ended questions, like: What were your favorite moments this year? Or What are you proud of in the past year? Then, listen. Ask follow up questions. Ultimately, we all want to be seen and heard. Really listening is a precious gift because it allows for connection and connection heals.
While there are only a few days left before the year is over we still have plenty of moments to bring happiness to ourselves and those around us.
Instead of being in a constant search for happiness, the truth is that happiness is easily within our reach if we allow ourselves to stop for a minute and grab it. We don’t need to chase it.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
The Map that Will Get You There
New Year. New Me. Sounds familiar?
The beginning of a new year always feels like a fresh start, a clean slate where we can create new goals that will improve our lives. Motivation is in the air and we want to become our best selves. Our intentions are definitely in the right place.
Unfortunately, though we start the year with the best intentions, we rarely achieve what we set out to accomplish.
Research shows 80% of people abandon their New Year’s resolutions by February. This is very disheartening, yet at the same time, it teaches us something valuable. Motivation and intention are not the only things we need to achieve the goals we set for ourselves.
James Clear, the best-selling author of Atomic Habits, tells us “You don’t rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems”. We are quick to create new goals for ourselves, the thing is new goals don’t mean a new outcome. If we don’t have a plan in place, meaning a system, to make this goal a reality we often fall short.
Systems are the daily collection of small habits that we have in place that will allow us to get to our outcome.
Note the word small in the previous sentence. One of the biggest mistakes we make at the time we set our resolutions is that we go big. This is because society has taught us to go big or go home.
When talking about nutrition we want to skip meals or switch all of our lunches for salads. Regarding exercise, we think I’ll run a marathon when you still can’t run a 5k. These are all big and exciting changes, but are they sustainable? Can we keep up this change for the long run?
A small habit would be switching an afternoon snack from a bag of chips to a banana. This seems tiny. A small bag of chips has 250 calories, and a banana is 105. Over the course of a week, that is a 675 caloric difference. That’s a whole meal's worth of food less. Not to mention you would be consuming 73 fewer grams of fat. Bottom line: bite-size changes can create super-sized results.
Another important thing to keep in mind when we map and plan our systems is to include the element of reward.
Have you ever heard the phrase Celebrate the small wins?
Our brain is programmed to repeat behavior that feels good. If the new year’s resolution involves waking up at 5 am every morning to go for a run and you think to yourself, “Ugh, I have to go for a run”. This sounds more like punishment, you are less likely to repeat it again.
On the other hand, if your resolution is I’ll go for a 15-minute walk after my lunch break. In comparison, this feels much more doable. It is less effort, as well as less time. Perhaps, it’s even something you look forward to. You think to yourself, “I get to go on my walk”. That switch of language is picked up by the brain and associated with a reward.
Yes, the 15-minute walk is fewer steps or calories burned than a morning run, but if you can keep it up. Consistency is much more important than intensity.
Finally, finding a tribe that supports and encourages your desired behavior can be a key element in achieving what you propose for the upcoming year.
At Destiny, we want to give you that support.
Tiara Hoquee
Psychologist and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Our Destiny Mapping 2023 is a complimentary service which is about creating a series of New Year's resolutions into bite-size. Our coach will help to hold you consistent and accountable for what you want to acheive. Click HERE for details.